Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.
During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”
The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear. She immediately gets up, says, “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, “I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to LA.”
This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a peel and win sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve
won a motor home!”The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van.”
But the blonde keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home.”
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home, because we didn’t have that as a prize!”
The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!”
So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads…
WIN A BAGEL!
Zen Sarcasm - Part Two…
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. 13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Zen Sarcasm - Part One…
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work… Part II
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
5. It encourages car pooling.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
2. It leads to more honest communications
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work…
Part I
16. Sitting “Bare ass” on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.”
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
12. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman... They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, ‘As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.’
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, ‘Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?’ He asks her ‘Shall we?’ She eagerly replies, ‘Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.’
———-AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them.
Mum said : ” YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies”.
Susie said: ” I know they do, that’s why I hide them in my backpack”!!
Cliches and Conundrums Part II
“Nice Guys Finish Last”
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
“If You’ve Seen One, You’ve Seen Them All”
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen … one. If you’ve seen them all, *then* you’ve seen them all. I don’t even understand how this one got started.
“It Takes Two to Tango”
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.
“If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another”
No, not always. Sometimes if it’s not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.
