Insane Random Ramblings

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for  
several years. He had a  large pond in the back, fixed  
up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball  
court, and so me apple and peach trees. The pond was  
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening  
the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look  
it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed  
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he  
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing  
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of  
young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women  
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.  

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out  
until you leave!”  

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you  
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”  

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the  
alligator.”  

How Long’s It Been?

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you’ve been with a woman?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, 1955!?”

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to spend some time with him. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time!)

Three Old Men…

Three old men are in a retirement home. They were a somewhat grumpy bunch, as old men are prone to become, and after several years of living in the retirement home, they had come accustomed to spending the day complaining about everything from the weather to the odd smell of their respective nurses. On this particular day, they begin a graphic complaint session about their excretion processes.

“I wish I was able to pee without feeling pain,” says the first old man.

“Just pain?” says the second old man. “I’m so constipated, I never have a regular bowel movement anymore.”

“That’s nothing,” grumbles the third old man. ” Every morning I have pee at 6 a.m. and then a bowel movement at 6.30 a.m.”

“What are you moaning about then?” asks the second old man. “Your pipes seem plain and perfect!”

“Yeah, it would seem that way,” replies the third man,

“…But, I don’t wake up til 7am.”

Shy Guy…

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?”

And that’s when the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take hersomeplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

Identity Crisis…

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?” To which he replied, “Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am.”

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, “I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.”

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” To which he replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce  
the outcome of a political election. “More on candidates  
at 10 p.m.,” he said. My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley  
looked at me in disbelief.  

“I didn’t know they could call politicians ‘morons’ on TV.”  

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day,  
and the preacher was standing at the door as he always  
is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and  
pulled him aside.  

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the  
Lord!”  

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord,  
Pastor.”  

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at  
Christmas and Easter?”  

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.  

   Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names  

19. Brussels Sprouts  
18. Cannes Openers  
17. Amsterdam Yankees  
16. Vienna Sausages  
15. Belgium Waffles  
14. Manila Folders  
13. Czech Bouncers  
12. New Dehli Catessans  
11. Buenos Airheads  
10. Guadalajara Krishnas  
9. Iraqi Raccoons  
8. Bolivia DeHavillands  
7. Seoul Brothers  
6. Taipei Personalities  
5. Syria Killers  
4. Hungary Jacks  
3. Dublin Mint Twins  
2. Prague Tologists  
1. Peking Toms  

The Miraculous Moped…

An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ‘What kind of car ya got there, sonny?’The doctor replies, ‘A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!’

‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man. ‘Why does it cost so much?’ ‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!’ states the doctor proudly.The moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside?’ ‘No problem,’ replies the doctor.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right…But I’ll stick with my moped!’Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Something whips by him going much faster!‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?’ the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.