Insane Random Ramblings

Life B.C. (Before Computers)…

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, “When you’ve finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?”

Priestly Persuasion…

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. ” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father - - Next!”

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “What the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said… “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!”

When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the store to arrange for repairs. Because the sun was bright, my husband’s eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dim light inside in time to see a woman sitting on the floor examining carpet samples.

He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing him to jump into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, my husband stumbled over to the service desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl full of little mints, scattering them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, “My refrigerator doesn’t work.”  

“I don’t doubt it,” she replied.

The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year- old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. “That bread smells about done don’t you think, Mom?” he asked.

I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. “Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it.” 

Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said,  “Eddie, Mom’s been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out.”

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.  As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. 
 
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head. 
 
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five
year old… 

“Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?”

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration. “Thanks,” the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. 
 
“Little Partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” 

The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”  “Yes, sir,” the boys said. 

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” 

A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because your feet ain’t empty.”