Insane Random Ramblings

“Guess what I heard today?” a man says to his wife.

“What, hon?” she asks.

“I heard the mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one!”

“Huh,” his wife says, “I bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis next-door.”

An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.

“I want you to know,” he began, “I’m tickled to death to be asked here today.”

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter’s face.

“This poor man,” he said in Chinese, “Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today.”

My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

“I will,” I said. “it’ll make her feel better. She has pneumonia…”

“Oh, poor girl,” they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, “I hope you’re helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning.”

“I can’t,” I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger.

“Hangnail.”

Cock-a-doodle-doo…

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old boy, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says,’I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’ The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and …

… he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dang it!

…That’s the third gay rooster I bought this month!’

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

“Hey Dad, announced Billy, “have you met the new neighbors?”

“No.”

“Come on Dad, you have to meet them.”

“Some other time; I’m busy.”

“Dad, you have to meet them now.”

From the urgency in Billy’s voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

“Where are they?” I asked.

“Well, Dad,” he explained, “we haven’t met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!”

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The policeman said, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

Riddle Me This… You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

 What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below…

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…Stop drinking and get off the merry-go-round.

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. 

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of  the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. 

An Old Man, A Boy And A Donkey…

An old man, a boy and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, ‘What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.’ So they then decided they’d both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well…

…Kiss your ass goodbye!

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.  “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”